If You're Reading This
by SiriusBlackFan2
Summary: A song fic based on the lyrics of Tim McGraw's song, If you're reading this. Tissue Warning!


**A/N: These song lyrics are from Tim McGraw's song, 'If You're Reading This.' This is dedicated to all of those that made the ultimate sacrifice so the majority of us can live in peace and to the loved one they left behind. Thank you. We owe you a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid.**

**To hear the song-- **

**Disclaimer: The standard disclaimers apply. I don't own it and make nothing for my efforts.**

_**If you're reading this  
My momma is sitting there  
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here  
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss…   
**_

"I am so sorry Bombshell." Tank was crouched down in front of me, still wearing his dress uniform.

I was sitting on the couch in the living room of our house, his mother was sitting on one side and his oldest sister was on the other. All three of us had tears streaming down our cheeks. I kept shaking my head no. This could not be happening to me.

"He wrote you this letter." In Tank's large hand I could see an envelope. On the outside, written in handwriting I'd recognize anywhere was one word, 'Babe.'

As I took it, I couldn't stop the sobs from wracking my body. His mother leaned over and pulled me into a hug. As I cried on her shoulder, she held me and whispered in my ear, "Será bien, mi hijita, será bien," over and over again. _(It will be alright, my little daughter, it will be alright.)_

_**War was just a game we played when we were kids  
Well I'm laying down my gun  
I'm hanging up my boots  
I'm up here with God  
And we're both watching over you…**_

Before we were married, he sat me down and explained what he meant by, 'my life is not my own.' He was not completely out of the military. He was still what they considered, inactive reserve. It meant in time of war he could be called back to duty. It was unlikely but not impossible. We weren't at war, so I really didn't give it a lot of thought.

We were married and beginning our lives together, when the war started. I still tried not the think about it. They had plenty of active and reserve troops to call on. They wouldn't reactivate my Carlos. We were living firmly in denial land and were blissfully happy there.

I still remember when he got the call. His demeanor changed immediately. His back stiffened and his blank face fell firmly in place. With one final, "Yes sir," he hung up the phone and turned to me.

Taking me firmly in his arms, and said, "That was General Abizaid's office." Looking in my eyes he continued, "I've been called to serve Babe."

I could feel the tears but I promised myself I wouldn't cry. "How long?" I whispered.

"Two weeks. I report to Ft. Benning in two weeks."

We tried to make the most of every moment, make each one count, savoring it and making as many memories as possible. We would need them to see us through the dark times ahead, until his return.

Too soon, he was standing in front of me in his khaki uniform, his long hair cut military short. This time I couldn't stop the tears and I didn't even try. "I don't want you to go." I said softly, as I buried my face in his chest, as my shoulders silently shook.

Touching my cheek, he replied, "I don't want to go Babe but I have too."

I lifted my head from his chest but couldn't meet his eyes for fear of falling apart. "I know."

"We'll take care of him for you Bombshell." I turned my face to look at Lester. He was clad in a uniform exactly like Carlos'. He, Tank, and Bobby had also been reactivated and were going with Ranger. I was pleased he had his "A Team" with him but sad that none of them would be here with me.

"Thanks Les," I told him, managing a small smile, "But take care of your self too. I want all of you to come home."

"We'll try," reassured Bobby. No one made me promises they might not be able to keep.

Carlos pulled me closer, pressing me firmly against him. Closing my eyes, I inhaled his smell, a dizzying scent of Bulgari mixed with his natural male smell. I loved it, essence of Ranger. It was my favorite and I wanted to commit it to memory.

"Babe," I heard Ranger say, as he grasped my chin and tilted my head up and I met his dark chocolate brown eyes. His hands were rubbing my back as he brought his lips to mine for a kiss. His tongue gently caressed my lips, seeking entrance. My lips parted and our tongues touched.

After a few long moments, someone cleared their throat and Lester said, "It's time to go Boss."

Ranger sighed and touched his forehead to mine. We stood there for a few more seconds, enjoying one of our last chances to touch each other, before he left. "I'll miss you," I told him.

"Miss you too Babe."

"Please come home soon."

Placing his hand on my abdomen, he replied, "No promises but I'll try. I don't want to miss the birth of our child."

We had found out just before that fateful phone call that I was pregnant. It was our first child. We went to my first doctor's appointment together the day before and the doctor told us I was approximately seven weeks along. Thirty three weeks. Hopefully that was plenty of time for Carlos to make it home.

Kneeling down, Ranger kissed my belly and spoke to his child inside, "Be good for your Mommy. Don't make her too sick." After one last gentle touch, he stood.

"Rangeman," Tank called from the black Explorer that would take them to the airport. "We gotta go."

He gave Tank a curt nod and turned to look at Hal, who would be running Rangeman in his absence, "Take care of my woman."

"Yes sir," Hal answered, "We'll all take care of Bombshell. Don't worry."

"Good." He turned back to me and with one final kiss said, "I love you Babe."

"I love you too."

With that he pulled away from my embrace, walked over to the Explorer and climbed in. Lester started it up and they slowly pulled out of the parking lot of Haywood. I watched them until the black SUV disappeared from sight, taking my love with it.

_**So lay me down   
In that open field out on the edge of town  
And know my soul   
Is where my momma always prayed where it would go.  
If you're reading this I'm already home…  
**_

I was eight and a half months pregnant with only three more weeks to go and I couldn't wait. I was big! No, I was huge! I couldn't see my feet anymore and had to have a Merry Man tie my shoes! It was so embarrassing!

The best part of being so far along was…Ranger would be home soon! He had been told by command that his team had one more mission before they could head home. I kept praying everything would work out. I really didn't want to do this alone.

I hadn't heard from Ranger in a week but that wasn't a surprise. Although he did take his laptop overseas with him, if the team was in the field, on their mission, he wouldn't have it with him. There would be no way for him to use it anyway.

I was sitting at my cubicle when I saw them coming out of Hal's office, two Army officers in dress uniform. Oh God! This can't be good! I begged God, 'Please don't let them come this way. I'll give up Tastykakes for life; just don't let them come this way!'

That's when I saw Hal's face. He was trying to keep his blank face on but failing miserably. It was written all over his face, something horrible had happened. He looked in my direction but was unable to meet my eyes.

"No!" I whimpered, as I stopped breathing, my mind raced, I wanted so desperately to hold on to denial, anything but the possible reality. The men kept walking my way and stopped directly in front of my cubicle.

"Mrs. Manoso?" the taller man questioned.

I was unable to answer. I wasn't getting any air. The only thing I managed to do was nod, as the tears already started down my cheeks.

The other man started, "Ma'am it is our unfortunate duty to inform you of the death of Captain Manoso…" He continued but I didn't hear anything else. My world fell apart with those words and I didn't want to hear anything else. I slipped from the chair as my sobs became harder. Hal stepped around the men and caught me before I hit the floor. He pulled me into a fierce hug, as he tried to comfort. Rubbing my back I heard him whisper, "Oh God, Steph I am so sorry."

And then I felt it…what felt like warm water rushed down my legs. No! It's too early! This can't be happening. Not now! I was standing in a puddle of fluid. My waters had broken, but it was too soon. Oh God, no! Please, not my baby too.

My cries became hysterical, alarming Hal. "Steph?"

Taking a deep breath, I managed to croak out between sobs, "Hal, my water broke!"

_**If you're reading this  
Half way around the world  
I won't be there to see the birth of our little girl  
I hope she looks like you  
I hope she fights like me  
Stand up for the innocent and the weak  
I'm laying down my gun  
Hanging up my boots  
Tell dad I don't regret that I followed in his shoes…**_

Out of concern for my well being and the baby's, the Merry Men called an ambulance, and Mary Lou to meet us at the hospital. She was my back-up coach if Ranger couldn't make it home. That thought started my tears all over again. Carlos would never come home to me.

Mary Lou responded to my tears said, "I know it hurts Steph breath through it." She grasped my hand and encouraged me to breathe like we practiced in class. I didn't tell her, I couldn't. If I said the words it would make it real…that my Carlos was gone forever.

Hal had ridden in the ambulance, holding my hand the whole time offering what comfort he could. Hearing her mistake, he pulled Mary Lou aside and spoke to her in hushed tones. I knew the moments he spoke the words. I heard her sharp intake of breath and her hand flew up covering her mouth. She shook her head and muttered, "No."

She walked back over to my side and gently picked up my hand again, "I am sorry Steph." At that moment a contraction hit me and I didn't have to answer her, thankfully, because I was unsure if I could.

Childbirth was as brutal as I had been led to believe and then some. It didn't help that the baby was big and my labor long. The hours seemed to drag on and my pain only got worse. I wasn't sure if I could do it. I wanted it to end, to go away. I wanted everything to stop hurting. After twenty hours of labor my strength was giving out and my obstetrician was talking about the possibility of a c-section. He thought the baby may be too big to pass through my birth canal.

Fortunately, he decided to give me a little more time and after just a few more pushes our baby started to crown. They moved a mirror so I could see the headful of dark hair peeking out. That was just enough motivation. With much encouragement from Mary Lou and the doctor, I pushed as hard as I could and our beautiful child entered the world.

"It's a boy!" I heard the doctor say.

I was panicked momentarily when I didn't hear any baby sounds. I couldn't lose him too. It would surely kill me. Tears stung my eyes. Then I heard it, the most perfect sound in the world…my son crying. Ranger's son.

A nurse wrapped him in a blanket and brought him to me, asking "Would you like to hold your son?"

With tears again, but this time tears of joy, falling down my cheeks, I nodded my head and barely whispering, "Please."

She handed me the little blue bundle and I finally held him in my arms, my son. I eased the blanket back from the little blue bundle the nurse handed me, and my breath was stolen away. He looked exactly like his father, with Carlos' dark hair, long eyelashes, and sexy kissable lips but with my blue eyes. His hair, while dark wasn't straight but kind of wavy like mine. I gently touched my baby's cheek and whispered, "Welcome to world Ricardo Carlos Manoso."

_**So lay me down   
In that open field out on the edge of town  
And know my soul is where my momma always prayed where it would go  
If you're reading this, I'm already home…**_

The blazing sun gleamed off the long lines of the white headstones. The emerald grass seemed to stretch into the distance without end. Rows of occupied chairs were set in front of a flag draped coffin. An honor guard stood at parade rest behind. A priest was giving the eulogy but I didn't hear it.

I was sitting in the front row, holding little Carlos, surrounded by our friends and family. Hal, as always, was at my side. My baby, who was sleeping, wouldn't remember this day, in fact, he'd never know his father. The thought wretched a sob from my throat. Little Carlos would never know his father's love, nor how much his daddy wanted him, how excited he had been when we had realized we were expecting a baby.

As the Priest's words ended, a squad marched out onto the field, their rifles at the ready. Facing away from us, they snapped to attention, and fired into the air. With the first volley, I flinched and Carlos awoke with a startled cry. With each subsequent volley I cringed and my little one cried harder. By the end we were both bawling.

With the last round, a lone bugler took position a short distance away. As the echoes of the shots faded, the first notes of 'Taps' rang out, breaking the heavy silence of the cemetery. Each note seemed to resonate in my heart. The mournful sound reverberated off the surrounding headstones.

When the bugler finished playing, the honor guard picked the flag up off the coffin. As one unit they slowly away and very carefully folded it into a triangle, the blue field and white stars visible. The flag was handed to a waiting solider; who took it from them reverently and slowly approached me.

Gently handing it to me, he said, "As a representative of the United States Army, it is my high privilege to present you this flag. Let it be a symbol of the grateful appreciation this nation feels for the distinguished service rendered to our country and our flag by your loved one."

My sobs had subsided a little while the bugle sounded but with those words I could take no more, the pain they caused wrung heart wrenching sobs from me. Hal gathered me into a hug and held me while I wept for everything I had lost and for my life that would never be the same…

_**If you're reading this, there is going to come a day  
You move on and find someone else and that's okay  
Just remember this  
I'm in a better place  
Soldiers live in peace and angels sing amazing grace…**_

It has been two years and the loss of Ranger is still a dull but constant ache in my heart that will always be there. If it weren't for our son I don't know if I would have survived. He is the sunshine in my life and the reason I get out of bed every day. He's a little piece of his daddy I still get to hold.

As wonderful as it was to have the "A" team supporting me, Ranger having given his life for the lives of his friends, they were still grieving too. We clung together but it was Hal who was my rock through everything. He was the person I leaned on when the going was rough. He was my friend and was always there for me. He held me when I cried and celebrated with me when life was good. Somewhere along the way our friendship grew, became something new and beautiful. We fell in the love.

Hal insisted on taking me out for my birthday. I didn't want a big fuss made of the day but he had insisted on at least the two of us having a small celebration. So here we sit in a quiet corner of an intimate restaurant while the waiter pours us each a glass of champagne to toast my birthday. Smiling across the table, as the waiter steps away, I raise my glass to Hal, but instead of doing the same, Hal pushes his chair back from the table and stands. Dropping to one knee beside me, Hal's broad and calloused hand surrounds mine.

"Marry me?"

I honestly never thought I would ever hear those words again, and I hadn't thought I would want to, but the tears roll down my cheeks as I agree.

"Yes." I scarcely whispered my response, but Hal heard. I was swept up into his arms and kissed passionately, to the applause of those sitting at the tables nearby us.

It was the most difficult thing I had ever done but I moved on, I made space for joy in my heart once more, right there beside the heartache and I put my life back together again. I took the words Ranger's letter to heart and found love again. I like to think that he's in heaven, smiling, happy for me…

_**So lay me down   
In that open field out on the edge of town  
And know my soul is where my momma prayed where that it would go  
If you're reading this  
If you're reading this  
I'm already home…**_

_Author's Notes:_

_General Abizaid is an actual person. He's an Airborne Ranger and at one point was the Commander in Charge of the U.S. action in Afghanistan._

_The words spoken to Steph at the presentation of the flag were taken from Wikipedia and are the actual words spoken to next of kin._

_I attempted to keep the military funeral is accurate as possible. Information for funeral proceeding was taken from Wikipedia and Military Funeral home page._


End file.
